`he drowns in his dreams
`an exquisite extreme i know
` he's as damned as he seems
`more heaven than a heart could hold
`and if i tried to save him
`my whole world would cave in
` just ain t right,
`baby, just ain t right..

`oh and i don t know
`i don t know what he's after
`but he's so beautiful
`such a beautiful disaster
`if i could hold on
`through the tears and the laughters
`would it be beautiful
`or just a beautiful disaster

Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson
She rawks my world (: natural and so not zi lian . WAHAHAS

School was nothing much but a bore. I had my composition test today. I wrote about my father molesting me. I know ): How er xin can i get right. I had no ideas. i only had 40 minutes to write. Then i just chiong lor. I hope i don t write out of point. -.- The marks would be `pretty' if i fail.

Today my contact lens dropped out twice. I had to rush to the toilet to put it back in. At one point of time, it was quite shrivelled up. BUT IT WAS A NEW PAIR, it was supposed to last me for 2 weeks. I just heck and placed it in. PAINNNNN, but later it was okay. (:

yesh. TOMORROW THERE FLOORBALL TRAINING.(:
I want a fatpipe stick. A new floorball stick. But i keep having this weird feeling that if i get a new stick, my current stick would get jealous. -.- YAH, i know. Stupid Childish thinking of mine. :l

i need to sleep now.
It is 11:34pm.

http://img158.imageshack.us/img158/624/yuncomic0bi.gif

GO SEE. i drew it.
YS HELP ME TO PUT ON WEBBY xD

the comic is super lame. -.-



* read from left to right. (:

argh. boring sunday.

slack the whole day in front of the computer.

such a bore.

HE started his nonsense again.
fuckit. who needs him.

Me: i think he needs to go to anger management

Mom: Nah. This time he need to go WOODBRIDGE

me: - o,o -
-walk off-

when i locked myself in the cubicle to cry, i seriously thought of flushing my head down the damn toilet bowl. i wanted it to flush down all the ugly memories i had of HIM. i was so pissed at my two-faced father. i never want to look at him in the eyes again. Why must he always caused me to feel anger and hatred towards him. what does he get out of this? tell me. i want to know.
yes, you got promoted. you want to host a party, you want people to enjoy it. but why must your wife and you daughter had to deal with your fking bullshit just because the guests were earlier than the host. i am glad deb came and hug me, letting me know that she was always there. i think while i was rubbing my eyes, my contact lens came out. So meanwhile i had to deal with one len.

when i came back and join them for dinner, i saw him laughing away, smiling like nothing happen just now. But what can i do? I just clutched my fists till it turned white, so white that i felt my hand was shaking. i tried not to think about it, i wanted to be happy, i wanted the world to know i don t give a damn about him anymore. I did. I laughed with deb, ate happily while cursing him throughout. i am full, but still always hungry for revenge.

i am sorry. i don t want to go to australia to study. i don t want to leave my mother alone with that beast. no, i am not a mummy's girl. i am just afraid something might happen when i am not there, not there for her. She 's so strong, she bear with his bullshit for so long but why haven t she shed a single tear? not like me, a useless weakling that can get tramped on so easily. sometimes i wish he could just die, leaving just my mother, kor and i. but how could i say such a thing? i do not know. i just know that i want to end this miserable life with HIM.

Dear Kor, i cried at the airport because i was afraid i could not handle him without you being here for me. I thought after you left, i will be all alone, handling him. I am so scared, ever so scared. I tried to be strong. But sorry, i just burst today, i was too sick of his nonsense.

-yawns-

WHOOHOO! today was the first time i actually earned something from the PICK IT UP MACHINE in compass point arcade (: I picked up a BIG BUGS BUNNY. YAYNESS it was my first try, even better xD. Everybody was staring at me, wen and yi looked so stunt at first. My first reaction was OMG. I CAN T BELIEVE THIS FCKING SHEET xD

okays that was vulguar :l

i wanted to give it to my cousin. but thier mum won t approve of it. OH WELL. Nevermind i found a new bunny that does not POOP, does not require food and it only need LOVE ;D
AWWW (:

----

Didn t go school today. My back was toally aching from yesterday match. I had a swollen feet too. My mother woudln t allow it at first. So i just told her to off my light and open the door slightly so my father would think i left for school liao xD IT actually works or maybe he knows just that he coudln t be bothered to say which is totally not possible :l

Cannot believe Dom found my bloggie ):

OKAYS. IT IS MORE THAN 100% THAT EVERYBODY HATES PARAMOUNT NOW.

Ever since last year, everyone started hating Paramount, thanks to Mr. Oei. It was because we won all the floorball matches; B girls B boys C girls C boys. So it was natural for him to show off and also more natural for people to get disgusted at him.

Kelly's team only needed to win Burghley to get into the semi-final. Somehow the first half of the match was sooo crucial. So pressurizing. I kept asking Kelly to defend. She could have score so many goals. TOO LAZY ): Anyways, Lejoy scored a goal again Burghley. It was supposedly to be 2-0. But somehow lejoy's goal was not counted. Robin said it did not even touch the net. I think most will agree that it went in but because everyone hate paramount. Eustance who is in charge purposely pause the time so maybe burghley can score during that limited time. So Mr oei was quite angry that it was not counted and started shouting at Robin. I freaked out, I kept asking Mr oei to calm down. I mean we won already, forget about it. He woudln t let it GO! so in the end Mark came and so called shut him off. " If you can prove that the ball went in , please try and show us like use a video camera." Sheet la. Now everyone hate Paramount even more. and then i realise if the referee is not so sure that if that is a goal, it will not be counted. Omg. what SHEET? referee should be sure of himself.

Hmm, everybody found me SUPER FIERCE when i was playing :l Mr. Wong, Babita, Cherlyn and lots more. I AM REALLY THAT FIERCE? i know i push alot of times =x but fierce as in? Mr. Wong say i should be more wen rou -.- (gentle) Go away la. But i must admit i play good xD
okays thick skin =x. I think i should exercise more ): My stamina is decreasing recently. BUT ANYWAYS PARAMOUNT IS IN SEMI FINALS (:

hahas i still can remember one part where i pass to Yun Xian for her to shoot in. Unfortunately my ball was too fast for her. So gloria was like YES! I turn around and gave her an ugly stare for a long time before i run off. Now i am angry at Yun Xian because i let LichField's second team win. Please. :l





I make an ghostly encounter in school today. I ran to the toilet because my contact lens dropped off. As i was putting it back in, i noticed one of the 3 cubicles was occupied. Suddenly a girl came out of the cubicle looking pale. " Did you hear anybody singing just now" she asked but i simply shake my head and told her i just came in. She said that before i came in, someone else came in and started singing. And the singing stop when i came in, she thought the person went out when i came in. However i didn t see anyone when i rushed in. She grabbed on to me as we headed out of the toilet. As we walked further down the corridor, i didn t know what made me turn around. But when i did, I saw a figure rushing into the toilet. It had a white blouse and a blue skirt but i coudln t see the face. And even weirder, if the person was rushing to the toilet, why didn t i hear the toilet door slam? I wanted to check it out but the girl was too freaked out so i leave it. Beside i never seen the girl before. hmm? HELP ME? :l

got to go for dinner (:
WAY TO GO JINGYUN ;D
I LOVE MYSELF.

i was super pissed at somebody today. Tomorrow is Floorball InterHouse B girls but somehow i don t want to play. I can t stand it when people goes like WAH PARAMOUNT SURELY LOSE LA, PARAMOUNT LOUSY ONLY. what the hell, what is thier problem? If your irritating at Mr Bryan Oei, Go tell him, Go scream at him, Go get fking angry with him, Just dont come to me saying negative stuff about Paramount. It is getting to me.

Is it wrong to cheer for your own team? So what if i sat on 'your chair'. Do you think i care? Do you think i am scared of you and lower my standard just because you think your bigger? Just shut up and get lost. I don t need to listen to you, i don t need you to ruin my happiness.

I never once keep repeating that i hate Lichfield, Angsali or Kensington. Please just leave me alone.I am sick of this. Ignoring you is the best i can do. Although i wish i could hit you..

Don t count on me to win.
Have faith in yourself too.

First thing first, I hate yesterday blog. It was full of lies.

Yesterday Yvonne actually came to my house to bake brownies for the 3 girls - Lejoy, Peipei and Sonika. We only bought one packet of brownie and a packet of decoration. So we happily bake away in my house, only to realise that the brownie was actually this thick :
______________________
l l
l______________________l


It was soooo thin for 3 people! So in the end we had to go all the way to shop and save to buy 2 more packets and powdery sugar. However i could not find powdery sugar and i thought fine grain was ok. So i tried asking the cashier but she could not understand a single english word i was saying cause she was from China -.- I ask her if she could return me back the sugar packet while i call my mum to check if it is correct. BUT SHE JUST WOUDLN T HAND IT OVER TO ME. In the end my mother said it was not powdery enough :l Yvonne went to bake one layer for a brother too. (: I didn t help her, i wanted to make sure she did it with alllll her sisterly love xD.

OKAYS, why i say monday's blog was a lie? Because I do not have a friend called Sandra and the presents were meant for the three girls and peipei actually found out and yvonne wanted me to lie. So i felt pretty uncomfortable writing about yesterday's blog. :l I AM GLAD IT IS ALL OUTTTT NOW (:


-----

Today was a last minute party. But in the end it turn out to be a SUCCESS! Yvonne and I could do it without HIMMMM. BAHAHAHAs. So he is not so biggggg after all (:

-HI 5-

We managed to PULL peipei and ask lejoy to join us and wait for sonika to finish her rehersal while Yvonne run home to get the soft toys. I told PeiPei and Sonika that we are celebrating Lejoy's Birthday and i told Lejoy that we were celebrating Pei pei birthday (: SO DUMB RIGHT. ALL BELIEVE ME (: wahahas. Celebrate downstairs my block. We were screaming birthday song then i make sure each of them cut the BROWNIE. Everybody say it is nice (: Hello, OF COURSE. YVONNE and JINGYUN hard efforts. How can it not be nice! okays. Nevermind, you guys must be coughing now. :l

Anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEIPEI (: HOPE YOU GET TO YOUR DREAM POLY ;D

English Common test sarks ):
ME NO GOOD IN VOCAB.

Just saw this guy's bloggie. Not bad i must say ;D I wonder who is that girl he is refering to. He seem sooo sad about it. Oh well (: I do not know him well. What can i do to comfort him? HELP MEEEE

[[Today i gave bday present to Sarah. I wondered why peipei think it is for her? SO SUPER THICK. Peipei, I will get yours during March Holidays. You wait okays (: ]]

Yvonne told me about him. She said he had a girlfriend because she actually ask him how is you and jingyun -.- I wonder what did i do to her in my past life. She is always getting at me? Anyway, all the best to you. True loveeee.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHERLYN. all the best for the days ahead.

I cannot post much today.
EVEN THOUGH I WANT TO.
but something is stopping me ):

My dad keep trying to open a conversation with me. Sigh, I just answer him with one word like Yes, No. I am too sick with this relation between me and him. argh!

i never like sunday. it is the one day where you know there is something on tomorrow and of course, looking ahead to another weekend :l OHWELL. Not to forget there is a english common test tomorrow. I DON T LIKE THIS AT ALLLLLL. And Yvonne is coming over (:

My mother was quite sad today. She had recently went to the hospital to see an old friend of hers who had ovarian cancer. She look so tensed up and like maybe she felt it will be her turn next. Of course i comforted her and said life still have to go on. Only my mother didn t say anything. OH MUM. You know Kor and I will always love you. Don t feel this way.

There was this guy on television who had very small eyes. I just exclaim to my mum, wondering how he could see and stuff. As usual my father had negative comments " WHATEVER IT IS, THE GUY HAVE BETTER EYESIGHT THAN YOU" whatever, like yours is THAT GOOD. hmph.

anyway kor is on
byeee

Seriously no one actually know how i feel about my father. They think they do. But how can they feel what i am feeling when my father is acting outside to the world and a fcker at home? We just got back for Gi ku birthday party. Everyone had fun except him. We had pasta, pizza and so much more delicious stuff but all he could actually say was :

"The food is no big deal! The italian actually came to China and maybe mix several ingredients and call it pasta. I rather eat WAN TAN MEE man."

Please, Nobody wanted to invite him actually. I think just for my mom's sake. And when my brother called, it was 1 am over there in Aust. He sound extremly tired but all my father could say:

" What the hell is the boy still doing awake. His 2 friends already sleeping and he is still up. He better adapt to his surroundings. No more sleeping late and waking up late anymore. when people is studying, he is sleeping"

Kor make the point to call and talk to you. what is your fcking problem? Is it when you talk to your family members, there must be negative comments? Why can t you be happy that kor is safe and sound. Why do you worry about this? He is another kiss-up, boot- licker person.

I really hate this.
I am sorry i ever mention leaving home.
but why cant anybody actually understand.

He does not even know my age and even know how to pronouce my name. He just call his children by BOY or GIRL. Make it a point to at least remember who we are. He thinks he have power, i just wait until he grow old. All he cares is his face, he is so worry that he will loose it.

meanwhile i will just have to survive here.
on my own now..

Look, i am not depressed
i am just fcking pissed.

---

went out with yvonne to Bishan to get birthday presents for the 3 girls. We wanted to get them a name keychain. So there used to be a big blocks of letters but now it is also sold smaller in size. As people rarely buy the big blocks, It was sold cheaper and yvonne asked if it was a good idea. " I think people seldom buy this anymore, like most will find it ugly and childish" -smack mouth- The girl who was buying the big blocks of letter was actually glaring at me. Yvonne totally ran out of the shop and LEFT ME THERE.

I don t want to say too much about the prezzies. I am afraid that they will read it .(:

anyways,i really had fun with you guys today.
both my friends and cousins,
thanks for being there for me .
i really appreciate it
and of course my mother
for always standing by my dreams. (:

If i won the grammy awards, i would say that phrase!
WAHAHAHAHAS

okays i think the wine is getting to me.

-rub eyes-

I can roughly summarise my father's personality; characteristic in one way : ARSEHOLE. Again he is trying to find things to get back at me. YOU KNOW WHAT, he may have hit my irritated button but fuck it. Even my mum told me not to fuck care him. yesh, my mum say fuck.

We were on our way to dinner. I get in the car and i supposingly slam the door and when it was time to get out, i supposingly slam it again. And..

Father aka arsehole: why the girl is always slamming the door?

Mother: Huh what door are you talking about?

Father: THE CAR DOOR! I tell you arh girl, if you cannot close the car door properly, i make sure you do it 500-1000 times.

Me: *keep quiet*

*silence*

Father: If i hear you slam the car door again, i make sure you don t go to Kuantan

me: *think to myself* yay!

*silence*

Father: You choose , you want to go kuantan or not!

me: *think to myself* Obvious yes! but not with you.

*silence*

me: *think to myself* i will take my revenge when he grow old.

---- end----

sigh, always trying to find things to get at me. idoit. And he is always repeating himself. Senile :l


OMGGGG
today we finally did the filming thing!
there were so many bloopers. Eunice's voice keep like going off at some times. In the end i took over her job. I bet when the video is shown, there will be serious burst of laughters for our class :l

blahs.

wahahas i just heard kor kor on skype (:

-cries- KOR, i miss you ):
even though we are always fighting, quarrelling, cursing at each other, we somehow what know that we still love each other. From today onwards, all these will have to put on hold for a moment and until you come back, it will be back to 'play'. I could see that yesterday was so awkward for you when it was time for you to check in but i woudln t let go. I am sorry i embaroussed you with my crying. :l But I still cannot take the fact that you will be going away for soo long. Of course there will be emails, skype, calls and sms. It is the actual Human Body of you i am missing. YOU MUST CALL MORE OFTEN KAYS! and of course together we must both mug hard for this important year. I hope when i am done with my O level, i can go to Sydney and meet up with you.

I love you always (:



hearts.
yunnn ((:

HAPPY VALENTINE DAY ((:

at first i thought to myself

no boyfriend= no valentine gifts
no admirers= no valentine gifts.

okays that is sad.
see, nobody likes me.
But i guess today, VALENTINE day prove me wrong. I mean what the hell do i need to depend on these people to make me happy. How could i forget my precious gems which are my family and friends. Do i need to depend on a guy who is supposingly the one who TRUELY LOVE me? Guess what, The obvious answer is NO. I realised that I really took things for granted, never appreciating my love one until something happen. So, thanks to valentine day, I must perk up and love my life, because i only enjoy it once.


My first rose is from Lejoy. I was surprised. What could i say. So what if my first rose was from a girl? I was smiling to myself deep down inside my heart, as i walked home with the almost withering rose in my right hand. It smells nice and sweet. The one smell, i will never forget - Lejoy's gift to me. Thank you so much Lejoy. I love you (: I am so glad i am part of her life.

My second valentine gift was from Gloria. 4 kisses wrapped in scrap-paper. I wanted to spare them till i reached home. But Kisses wouldn t wait for me, so i enjoyed myself - me and kisses during math remedial (:
Chocolate do make people happy. So sinful yet delicious.

My third valentine gift was from Cherlyn. A small heart-shaped sweet with the taste of strawberry flavor. She didn t make me cookies like she did for the rest. But like most will always say, the thoughts count, well said. Besides it tasted nice and chewy (: yum.

The rest of the valentine gifts will be Deborah and Yilin. Someone who is so close to me but yet so far away. Virtual Valentine cards were send and a global sms from yilin.

I appreciate all this.
Even a small sentence like HAPPY VALENTINE DAY
can actually mean so much.

We had early dismissal today (: Because it was meant to be a celebration for good 'O' level results for last year. WAHAHAS, English Common Test also had to be postponed to next week. Actually ALL the TESTS for today have to be canceled. OH WHAT JOY

Fed-up at my brother yesterday, I COUDLN T BELIEVE HE ACTUALLY TOOK NEOPRINTS with Kaka lor. All this time i been bugging him to take with him. He always try to run away, ignore my conversation, or SCOLD ME. He say it is a waste of money, blah blah blah. Please, for both the Card Neoprint, He look like he was having FUN. Hug here, Hug there. :lll
GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I am now making a valentine gift for him. I AM NOT LOSING TO KAKA. hmph. but hers was nice lor ): unfortunately i don t have the money to SPEND ON HIM. So, basically, professionally, I will use my CREATIVE BRAIN to come up with something :l

TODAY HAD LJS FOR LUNCH ((: i haven t eat that for a LONGGG time. Later we dragged ourselves around Bishan cause gloria need to buy VALENTINE stuff :l She actually bought for Yvonne, Pei Pei and I. woot. Too bad, i didn t get anything for her xD Later went to Kovan to play bowling (: ROCKS MAN :l Played 2 games which cost us = 13.50 =ooo IS THAT MEANT TO BE CHEAP OR EXPENSIVE. 30cents more for extra frame, but wht the heck is that? :l Gloria coudln t come, apparently her parents had quarrelled and she didn t dare to ask.

That about it.

Gosh, on wednesday i have to come back early from floorball ): BECAUSE KOR is leaving already. SO FAST :l

I hope this friday's filming is confirm.
It has been dragging for TOOOO long.
ever since LAST month.

yesterday was alfian's birthday (:
celebrate it at tampines's Pizza Hut.
this is the first time i heard alfian went steady after meeting her 3 days ago =o. I hope this time it will work out for him. Juilet seem so anti social and stuff. She didn t like the way we tease alfian, She kept pouting :l And later she seem so happy when it was time to go home. We bought ice cream cake for alfian (: Oreo flavor ((: Then Zhi Qiang go and act gay, planted a cherry in his mouth and made alfian take it out - with his mouth too. xD Funny, alfian coudln t even look at Zhi Qiang in the eye. They are sooo gay (:

I later found out Juilet was Haffiz's Ex. omg =o. I actually found her throught Haffiz friendster account. She sound a little despo :l.

WAH, ZhiQiang getting more qian bian. We kept suaning each other. :l

Watched football until 2am. I still cannot believe middle- won chelsea (3-0) =oo
And ZhiQiang is sooo happy.
*ah bish*

Before he went home, took piccys for them. i actually FORCED them to take candid photos. Zhiqiang said" i am sorry, i dunno how to act cute." WAH, what was that suppose to mean .
In the end there were photos of funny faces, stern faces, ): aiyah, at least better than nothing.

hmm, gotta help with my brother's packing.

):
HE IS LEAVING SOON ):

Can t you see i am ignoring you.
I just want to be friends.
But can i say,
can we really stay that way?

No one really know me,
And not even one can
see my hidden tears,
after all this miserable years.

You asked me to believe you.
But After all that had happen, the
tension between us,
just became tighter,
losing our faith in
each other....

--------

leave me alone.

---------

*clutch fists*

Why am i always acting happy?
BUT I AM NOT.

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